WEEK 4

Coming Soon

Prayers for Dante 🙏🏻

(That shit was beyond unacceptable)

WEEK 3

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who The Hell Are We? Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Ole Miss, By Damn!

         "HOTTY FUCKING TODDY"     ~TC

The headlines will tell you Trinidad Chambliss had ice in his veins Saturday night. Emotion at a fever pitch in Oxford, the likes of which college football may have never seen before, and may never see again. The return of the coach who plucked him from obscurity before running off to chase something shinier, leaving Trinidad holding his balls (footballs - mind out of the gutter, folks).

And what does Chamby do? 363 yards through the air. Three total touchdowns. The go-ahead score with six minutes left, curb stomping the furious LSU comeback following a 17-point halftime deficit.

But the absolute coldest son of a bitch in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium wasn't on the field. He was manning the aux cord.

As LSU walked out to a chorus of “fucks,” that would have made Scorcese cringe, the Tigers were reportedly greeted with the NFL on Fox theme, a not-so-subtle reminder of Lane's recent attempt to raid the NFL waiver wire for reinforcements.

Then the Rebels went full tilt rebel, training Lane and spoiling his vitriol-doused homecoming in epic fashion, 32-24.

But our savant on the sound wasn’t done.

As Lane walked off the field following his first loss as LSU's head coach, dealt by the hand of his former DC, the stadium speakers delivered the coup de grâce:

Callin' Baton Rouge. “Such a strange combination of a woman and a child.” Garth Brooks delivered the punchline 33 years later.

Goddamn. That’s cinema. I can’t wait for the movie.

How intense was the Ole Miss hatred toward the most hated man in sports? It overshadowed what may have been the greatest act of football incompetence in modern history, and the story that would have been the lead in any other of this season’s 15 weeks.

Six seconds on the clock in Nashville. NC State leads Vanderbilt 31-28. NC has the ball. It’s 4th down. Vandy has no timeouts remaining. Run around, fall down, go home with a W. It’s over. But we all know that’s not what happened.

Fumble. In the end zone. Vanderbilt recovered. Vanderbilt scored. Refs put one second on the clock. Vanderbilt kicks the XP. Vanderbilt COVERS 3.5. 

Over the past 20 seasons, teams leading AND possessing the football in the final 10 seconds were 1,046-1. I don’t know who the one is, but I’m sure they are all in witness protection. And now it’s time for NC State to get themselves new passports. Absolutely brutal. And for those of us who hypothetically had $200 on Wolfpack ML, well, let’s just say I had a lot of questions at church this morning.

Elsewhere on the OTC slate, Arizona State crossed the pond and beat Kansas 24-17 at Wembley despite being outgained 414-228 yards. Kansas turned it over three times, allowed a 100-yard kickoff return touchdown and watched a 305-pound defensive lineman return a fumble 77 yards.

The British have to be wondering what the hell is wrong with this sport.

Clemson trailed UNC 17-3 before a stadium-record 2-hour, 28-minute lightning delay. The Tigers emerged from the locker room and won 28-20. Dabo lives. Belichick might die. 

Louisville and SMU changed leads eight times before the Cardinals won 41-31. Mississippi State tanked the Gamecocks and their high expectations. Florida survived Auburn 44-39 after nearly blowing a 34-17 lead. Virginia Tech went into College Park and beat down Maryland 35-26, snapping the Terps' 20-game nonconference winning streak (yes, that Maryland team had a streak). Northwestern absolutely cooked Colorado 41-7. And JMU walked into San Diego as a 1.5-point dog and left 3-0.

In OTC, Kybow Picks and Knightro Express shared the week's high score with 47 points apiece. But it’s PickleRicks RicklePicks who remains king of the degenerates at 138 points, a full eight points clear of Duane's 1st Entry. No idea how Duane’s 2nd entry is doing.

And then there's MasterGrimes. 16 points. We all know the name. This isn't some rookie who accidentally stumbled into OTC and put ten confidence points on Colorado. This is an OG. A veteran. A man who has spent years honing his craft. Studying the board. Learning the nuances. He's closer to the commissioner than Lane Kiffin is to a burner phone. And after all that institutional knowledge: 16 miserable points. Masterful, Grimes.

Meanwhile, Diamond Dave's 1st Entry remains our overall caboose with 75 points.

Week 4 boasts some good ones. Texas travels to Rocky Top. Ole Miss tries to avoid a hangover in the Swamp. Hawkeyes try to follow in Western Michigan’s footsteps and get a W in the Big House. A&M and LSU each try to get back on track after Week 3 stunners.

Pick wisely.

                   VEGAS

Arizona State (-5.5) @ Kansas

UNC @ Clemson (-3.5)

#16 SMU @ #23 Louisville (-1.5)

Mississippi State @ South Carolina (-3.5)

NC State @ Vanderbilt (-3.5)

Florida (-2.5) @ Auburn

VA Tech (-2.5) @ Maryland

Colorado @ Northwestern (-3.5)

#7 LSU (-2.5) @ #8 Ole Miss

JMU @ San Diego State (-1.5)

WEEK 2

Trailing 23-3. 2:14 to go in the 3rd quarter. 4th and 9 from their own 42. These were the ashes from which the Longhorns arose.

Arch Manning had looked like shit. His receivers looked even worse. Then, as the 4th quarter began, touchdown Texas. Touchdown Texas. Missed Buckeye field goal. Touchdown Texas. 

Texas 24. Ohio State 23.

And just to make sure nobody accidentally remembered it as anything other than an epic collapse, Julian Sayin threw an interception to end it.

It was the largest fourth quarter comeback ever against a #1 team in the country. Ever.

And Michigan beat #11 Oklahoma after their loss to a MAC school in Week 1. 

College football. I’ll tell ya.

The carnage wasn’t limited to Austin.

Last year, Oregon beat Oklahoma State 69-3. Entering Saturday, Oklahoma State had lost 21 straight games against FBS opponents. Yes, I’ll write it again: TWENTY-ONE STRAIGHT LOSSES TO FBS PROGRAMS. Dan Lanning on the other hand was 35-0 against unranked teams. 

Final score: Oklahoma State 39. #6 Oregon 31.

Ducking crazy.

And one could argue those weren't even the strangest things that happened.

Akron let a random fan call its offense.

Marty Whims II, a 46-year-old CFO and season-ticket holder, won an Arby's promotion to serve as “Offensive Coordinator of the Game.” He helped script the opening possession and called the plays. It ended up being four to be exact. For a total of 23 yards. And a fumble. Tough career for Coach Marty. Still better than Ryan Day on Saturday.

Then there's Chicago State, which didn't have a football team until approximately five minutes ago. The Cougars picked up the first win in program history Saturday by beating Kentucky Christian 78-7. Amen.

As for the rest of the OTC slate, Wake Forest survived Purdue 38-36 in double overtime, needing a reviewed 4th-and-15 conversion before scoring the tying touchdown and winning two-point conversion.

USF trailed Army 24-14 with five minutes left before scoring twice, including the winner on 4th and 6, to stun the Black Knights 28-24.

Mississippi State rolled the Gophers 38-13. 13 also happened to be the same number of rushing yards Minnesota had. Adrian Peterson is rolling in his grave (Note: he’s not dead).

Pitt downed UCF 12-7 in a steady downpour. Cal walked into Syracuse and won 21-18 despite being outgained 436-247. Syracuse committed 15 penalties for 134 yards and threw three interceptions. Duke upset the Illini 31-27. Boise State spotted Memphis a 17-3 lead and then scored 32 of the final 35 points to win 38-20. And North Dakota State beat Air Force 38-32, jumping ahead 35-13 before the Falcons made it interesting with 19 fourth-quarter points.

North Dakota State just might be my darling this season. Stay tuned.

In OTC, we’re two weeks in, and we officially have our first triple-digit degenerate. PickleRicks RicklePicks stands alone atop OTC with exactly 100 points and a name that inexplicably makes me giggle. Rylaw247 sits second with 91, while WahooWa rounds out the podium at 88.

Then there's John Cochtosin, who scored a mind-numbingly pathetic 13 points this week. You almost have to try.

And somehow, the honor of league stinker belongs to Diamond Dave's 1st Entry, sitting dead last with 50 points, exactly half as competent as our leader.

Week Three awaits, friends. Study up. 

               
                     VEGAS

#11 Oklahoma (-4.5) @ #16 Michigan

Wake Forest (-2.5) @ Purdue

USF @ Army (-3.5)

Mississippi State (-1.5) @ Minnesota

UCF @ Pitt (-7.5)

Cal @ Syracuse (-3.5)

Duke @ Illinois (-5.5)

Memphis @ Boise State (-9.5)

#1 Ohio State @ #4 Texas (-1.5)

NDSU (-2.5) @ Air Force